Today, I turned the page to a new chapter in my life. Today, I became the co-owner of a brand-new fifteen year mortgage. And it terrifies me. Not the OMG, I think someone is in the house or That car just almost hit me kind of fear. No, I mean the kind that makes you feel like a lost 4 year old in a crowd of strange adults. The kind that makes you feel small & vulnerable & alone. I want to grab someone & yell, We're not adults; we're only pretending. What's wrong with you that you'd trust us with that kind of debt?
In my head, I know it will be OK. Once I work through the fear of this new, gigantic responsibility, I'll be able to feel the joy & excitement that other people talk about when purchasing a home. I'll be able to think about tearing out carpets (why, oh, why, do people think a kitchen is a good place for a carpet?) & laying tile, painting walls, making this space my own. Tomorrow, I will put n my big girl panties. I will make lists & phone calls, I will begin to organize & sort, I will begin to do all of the things that are necessary to make this a smooth & easy move. I will go back to being a responsible adult.
But for now ~ just for today ~ I feel so very small & frightened.
